March has been glorious. Such an exciting month; so many things happening.

Chronicle-wise especially, lots of awesome but terrifying developments... I was promoted to News Photo Editor, which is probably the most awesome and most terrifying of them all. I'll start in my sophomore year, but training and so on should start in a few weeks. Basically this means I'll attend meetings where they decide which articles to run in the paper, I'll send out news assignments and make sure they get picked up, and so on. I also head associate once a week, just like all the other editors do. On top of that, the Chron is flying me to Jacksonville this weekend to shoot the Duke's NCAA game. My first ever basketball shoot without a shadow or at least a second photog, and my first away game. I'm scared shitless. I had a nightmare about it last night where every single shot I took was in 16:9 aspect ratio (thanks Leica) and way too zoomed out and just unusable. But HOW AWESOME IS IT RIGHT.

My parents left Duke this morning after a lovely but short-lived stay. They've been before, but I guess getting a personalised tour from me puts a different spin on things. Prior to their visit we spent four days in Chicago. I won't bore you guys with the details of where we went and what we saw... but the trip just gave me a new perspective on some things. The discernible age difference between me and my parents is increasing. My mom gets tired after walking for an hour; my dad no longer bothers to navigate streets without a GPS; they rely on me to explain things to them at restaurants and museums.

It's inevitable, I know, as I mature along with the world and they gradually lag behind. "Lag behind" sounds terrible, I know, but I don't mean it in a terrible way. I suppose I began exceeding them in mental dexterity, and in familiarity with the world's developments, some time ago. Maybe the difference is more pronounced because we've been apart for so long, but for some reason it was never this clear to me before. It's somewhat saddening to think about. The bittersweet feeling of seeing the same person that used to take every two steps for one of yours start walking slowly so you can keep up without losing your breath.

I feel like I have done my parents proud, developed into something that they are pleased with... but at the same time I also feel like I'm missing something, that vital thing that they consider more important than anything else, without which all my accolades and accomplishments are worthless. And that makes me sad to think about, too; because I wish I could fulfill that one last crucial criterion, if for the inappropriate reason that it would please my parents, but I just can't.

This is an excellent thing, for a number of reasons:

1. Spring break (oh my god, who would have thought that among the greenery and middle-of-nowhere-ness of Durham, a breath of fresh air would be so hard to come by)
2. Chicago with my parents (seeing the folks again, visiting a brand new city, my dad's alma mater, Mich)
3. My parents coming to Duke for a couple of days (cannot wait to show them around!!! and they'll get to meet Ross which frankly terrifies me but this is a post of happiness so let's move along!!!)
4. My birthday (needless to say this will be amazing)
5. March Madness
6. The weather will actually be nice again

But it is also a bad thing because it means I am only two months away from completing my freshman year. I'm almost 1/4 done with college. This scares me - I don't feel like I'm 1/4 prepared to actually go out in the world and do stuff, public policy stuff. I've talked before about how daunting it is to know that this is the last stepping stone towards becoming a real working adult... I really feel as if I'm nowhere near ready for a life where things start becoming permanent. Where I start building a career. Start doing things that I'll be doing for the rest of my life. Take on positions I'll have for years, not mere months, and that hold some actual clout.

Being close to the end of my freshman year is also frightening because I feel like I haven't done anything with my freshman year. If any of my friends heard me say that they'd probably think I was crazy... mostly because I'm more involved in extra-curriculars than any of them (well, I don't know this for a fact, but I'm willing to bet). I'm not saying anything about them or myself - most of them are engineers, and therefore spend more time in labs for class - I'm just stating facts. Last semester I volunteered at the Duke Hospital, both semesters I worked at the VRC, and both semesters I've been involved in the Chronicle. It's probably been a couple of weeks since I left the Chronoffice alone for 24 hours. And of course I've spent half of this semester living in a tent under the wintry sky, waiting for a game in a sport I knew nothing about eight months ago, fiercely polarised in a rivalry I cared nothing for a year ago. It's weird - it really makes no sense to say that I haven't tried anything new. It's ridiculous to say I haven't filled my life enough when I literally spend my days dashing from tent to Chronoffice to work to room to class.

I guess I just feel like I haven't done anything to enrich any lives besides my own. There are so many opportunities at Duke to make a difference in the world, and I don't think I've taken any of them. My service work at the hospital wasn't that engaging... I didn't feel like I was really helping anyone, and some weeks I wouldn't even go. Even with my friends here, I don't feel like I've really connected with anybody - besides Ross, obviously - maybe because I've been so busy with work and Chron stuff and so on.

One of my biggest fears, I think, is that I'll waste my time here... because I know when I leave in 2013 and go home, everything will have changed, and I'll never look at home the same way again.

Or at least I think I am.

I hope I am.

Xanga lost me to Tumblr awhile ago... but I stumbled upon this during Writing class today and I just miss it so much. I feel like I write better here. I hope I do, since my Tumblr is more or less abandoned.

I miss my Xanga... unsurprisingly, Xanga is still just as sucky and backward as it was when I left it, and my Tumblr is ten times prettier than this crappy piecemeal design I put together in an attempt at creativity within Xanga's menacingly narrow customisation limits, but this is where everything is. My IB entries, my MG entries... my really, really crappy teenagery MG entries...

I don't think anyone reads this anymore, but it doesn't matter. I just felt like saying something, so this site knows I still exist in the real world.

I've got a friend, he's a purebred killing machine
He said he's waited his whole damn life for this
I knew him well when he was seventeen
now he's a man who'll be dead by Christmas, and so
everybody's going to war
but we don't know what we're fighting for
Don't tell me it's a worthy cause
no cause could be so worthy.

if love is a drug, I guess we're all sober
if hope is a song, I guess it's all over
how to have faith when faith is a crime?
I don't want to die

if God's on our side, then God is a joker
asleep on the job, his children fall over
running out through the door and straight to the sky
I don't want to die

Whenever I'm feeling like life is moving too fast, or that I'm actually growing up, or that I'd rather not deal with feelings at all, it's hard to make my "grown up" brain shut up.









UNTIL I LISTEN TO THIS SONG



LOCK EYES, FROM THE ACROSS THE ROOM